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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Devil May Cry?" So will the fans.


"Suckmydick, suckmydick, suckmydiiick!" Said Capcom, in a fit of lol. "Waaaah, we want OLD Dante back!" The fans suddenly exclaimed. But to no avail, as the new Devil May Cry reboot hits shelves.

*sigh* Capcom, Capcom, Capcom... have you been hitting the bottle lately? You're cancelling Mega Man, misspelling your games' titles, and now you're pissing all over the popular Devil May Cry series. What next? A Street Fighter dating sim? You want to take your trolling full circle? Because I'd cover all my bases if I were in charge.

Where to begin... now, I'm not much of a DMC fan, but I'll agree that the original game was great. Lots of bang bang, lots of heavy metal and silver-haired demon thrashing, actiony-- fun. I like fun. Don't you? But as of recently, Capcom has decided to rub its scrotum on places it shouldn't be-- the hearts of the fanbase. The new Devil May Cry, abbreviated DmC, changes pretty much everything that the series was. I'm not against change, but you know it's bad when it fucks with what made the game good in the first place. It's like, Nintendo can say, "Let's put Mario in a wheelchair. It's emotional and tearing, and people will love it," and in reality, it's utter tripe.

DmC not only gives Dante an (arguably shitty) redesign, it also changes the atmosphere and gameplay elements to the point where it's almost unrecognizable. I mean, you could call this game fucking "Hipster Trigger" and I'd believe it. What the fuck were they thinking?

They basically pulled another RE6 and redirected Devil May Cry toward a more western audience, preferably the COOL KIDS CLUB who's favorite musical genre is dubstep and wears meme hoodies and frequents Hot Topic for their shitty snapbacks and Big Bang Theory tee shirts. Again: the fuck is that shit? I know it's a business above all, but don't fall victim to the shitty trends. "Way past uncool, dudes," said the hedgehog blue.

And it's clear, too. The awesome metal tracks thrown out in favor of the WUBWUBWUB, Dante strutting around a New Yorkish city setting, as well as other western elements which further render this game both unrecognizable and... odd. They're even attempting to casualize the gameplay mechanics, which is a big turnoff for longtime fans.

The verdict: SORRY CAPCOM! YA DUN GOOFED THIS TIME! Come back when you've made something worthwhile.

Signed-- The gamer from outer space,
Zero Man

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Potential Games That NEED To Be Made.

Hello again to all of you lovely ladies and handsome gents! On today's post, I pose a question: What are some game ideas that aren't in development, that haven't been made official by any company, that YOU want to get made? Well, I have plenty. However, there are some that come to mind that I think "Holy dickshitting analbags, that's the best idea ever!" But at the same time, I think, "Yeeeeaaaah, that'll never happen."

But, I digress! Here are three of the potential game ideas that I think would be absolutely marvelous.

Super Smash Kart


Any fan of Nintendo would probably give an insta-yes to this one. Imagine it, combining the elements of a bunch of different racing games like Mario Kart, F-Zero and the Excite series, with an amazing cast of characters from Mario to Link to Samus and more... it could retain the all-terrain mechanics from Mario Kart 7 and allow you to race in water, on the road and in the air.

There's also potential for so many other racing options, like bikes and boards and special racing machinery. Just imagine Kirby, zipping by on his Warp Star, when suddenly Samus zaps him with her Starship's lasers. And before you know it, Andy (from Advance Wars) blasts Samus from his tank which has been upgraded to travel at high speeds. It's be crazy fun, way more fun than plain ol' Mario Kart.

Super Smash Kart could also pave the way for multiple guest characters! I know of a certain blue hedgehog that'd want in on the action... and he can leave his car in the garage this time. Seriously. Pac-Man could guest in this, much like he did in the Mario Kart arcade game. Capcom could offer the blue bomber, Mega Man, to ride in the Rush Driller or Beat Plane (if he hasn't died off by then, that is)... and tell me that Solid Snake racing in his signature cardboard box doesn't look hilarious in your mind. Go on. Imagine it.

The Heroines


Your princess is in another castle? Fuck that. Held captive by an evil wizard? To hell with that! Let the guys handle the heavy lifting? Not a chance. YOU get back in the kitchen and make your OWN damn sandwich, because these girls are fed. Up.

Imagine an action game starring your favorite video game girls, such as Princess Peach, Mei Ling and Chun-Li. Faced by a dastardly evil, the normal heroes of the story have suddenly disappeared, and the girls have taken it upon themselves to strap up and roll out. Holy hell, I think this would be amazing. I don't know what genre it'd work best in, but whenever I envision it, it always ends up looking like a 2D beat-em-up / sidescroller, or a third-person action game.

The female characters that everybody knows are often shown up and overlooked in favor of the mostly-male heroes. Well, I'm a dude, and even I think we need more kickass heroines (with a sprinkle of sex appeal. Wink.) A game like this that showcases the power and badassery of the girls that we all know would be an A+ in my book.

Revenge of the Forgotten 90s Mascots


Does anyone remember Croc?

...

*cricket*

... How about Bubsy? N... no? Anyone?

Maaan, there are so many video game characters I remember from the 90s that barely-- or never-- saw the light of day with the coming of the new millenium. And if they DID survive, chances are they were butchered horribly beyond redemption. (Excluding Sonic. He's not so bad anymore.)

The year is 2013. Don't you ever wonder whatever happened to those guys? I know if I was Crash Bandicoot, I'd be pissed as shit right about now. To hell with those game companies that just up and left us in the trash-- let's start a riot!

I know this game has no chance in hell of being made, but damn, what a thought. All of those obscure characters, like Gex and Alex Kidd and Plok, all coming back for one last collective jab at the video game industry. I can imagine plenty of parodies and references lying within the game, plenty of fuck yous to the more popular franchises (looking at you, Halo), as well as plenty of 90s throwbacks. I can imagine Bubsy getting flustered when he discovers that retailers don't sell PS1s anymore.

And those are three of my crazy video game ideas... what are some of the sequels and original ideas that YOU want made? Let me know in the comments.

Always your friend,
Zero Man

Monday, January 14, 2013

Sonic the Hedgehog Enters The Real World... Sort Of.


Whaddaya get when you take the world's fastest hedgehog, a somewhat known fan film director, and two years of sweet love making? You get the SONIC Fan Film, of course!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtCtQpclpY8

For all of you who aren't familiar with this fine piece of work, allow me to give you the lowdown. Basically, back in 2011, amateur film director Eddie LeBron (previously known for the "Mega Man" fan film) released a trailer for his then up-and-coming Sonic short film. Everyone was hyped, including yours truly. I mean, seriously-- it's Sonic, brought to life! How fucking cool does THAT sound?

Now, don't get me wrong, I know how the live action Mario flick turned out... *shudder*... but, based on the trailers, the Sonic fan film was headed for greatness. And what made it even cooler-- or, "way past cool," I should say-- is the fact that he even managed to bring back Jaleel motherFUCKING White to reprise the role of Sonic. As soon as I heard that... I was sold.

The Sonic fan film made it's debut at MAGFest 11, which started on January 3rd of this year and ended on the 6th. The movie actually premiered on January 5th at the convention, and then made it's appearance worldwide on YouTube the following Thursday.

The film was met with mixed opinions from fans. Some people absolutely loved it, and some people absolutely hated it. Some people loved White's return to Sonic, and some people believe he's grown too old to play the hedgehog. Some people like the CG-live action hybrid, others want Eddie LeBron to die in a fire.

Me? I'm in the middle when it comes to Sonic's new live action shenanigans. When I initially saw the film, I thought it was a blast. Sonic looked and sounded as good as ever, Robotnik was menacing, the robots were... robotic, and those cameos! My God, those cameos. Loved 'em.

But later on, I found a lot wrong with that movie. For one thing, it took them two years to make that film, and only twenty minutes came out of it. I know it was only supposed to be a buildup to the first Sonic game, but a lot of the content just seemed rushed. Secondly, Sonic did not recieve enough screentime. Big problem. I wanted to see Sonic running fast, and flip around robots, and make fun of Robotnik some more-- not listen to a bunch of cardboard human actors spell out the plot to me! And also there were a bunch of plot inconsistencies. A LOT.

I could bitch and nitpick all day, but I don't want to drag it on too long. For what it was, SONIC was a good time, and it served it's purpose by showing us that a live action Sonic film CAN be done. So get on it, SEGA. Go. Get off your asses and go, the movie industry needs you. Also, get that Jaleel White motherfucker in with you. He needs to get paid more.

Be sure to watch it if you haven't already, and tell me what you think in the comments! As the hedgehog once said... gotta juice! (That means it's time to get the fuck outta here.)

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Why Violent Video Games AREN'T The Problem


Welcome back! Did you enjoy the boobies? You enjoyed the boobies. Anyway, today on the chopping block, I have a small discussion / rant to get underway. One of the issues I have with modern society is the supposed correlation between the video games industry and the much-talked-about violent acts which happen to be occurring within the United States. Now, strap in, folks. This is a two-parter. Hang onto your nutsacks, because it's... showtime!

ACT I: If a major shooting happens, chances are the shooter didn't take inspiration from Grand Theft Auto.

http://www.gamespot.com/news/study-89-percent-of-parents-believe-game-violence-a-problem-6402290

There's a belief held by parents and adults across the nation that violent acts such as school shootings and mass murders can be traced back to violent content within video games. Games like Grand Theft Auto, Call of Duty and Hitman are often brought up in heated discussions by the media and various individuals who believe that violent video games are the cause of violence in children growing up.

There are several reasons as to why this accusation is both wrong AND stupid. Let's dig in, shall we...

First of all, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that it's not the video game company's fault that your child is aggressive. It's not the video game company's fault that someone was murdered. And it definetely wasn't the video game company's fault that an outbreak of violence has occurred within your area.

You are a parent. Meaning, you are supposed to have control over your child. The video game (that you love to blame oh so much) did not magically fall out of your child's ass. YOU had to buy it for them. M-rated games cannot be sold to any individual under the age of 17, meaning that little Johnny couldn't have walked into the GameStop and purchased the newest Call of Duty by himself. You assisted him in buying it somehow. Meaning it's YOUR fault that he even HAS the game in the first place. Regulations are fine the way they are, the parent is the one at fault here for letting the child have this game.

So what do you do when your child wants Hitman: Absolution for his birthday? YOU SAY NO. You're the one in charge here-- if you feel like your child can't handle or shouldn't have a game, then BE a fucking parent! Say no! Don't blame the video game companies for your own dumbass decisions.

Second of all, you can't exclusively blame video games for the violent behavior you're supposedly witnessing within your child, or children around you. There are sooooo many other causes of aggression, just blaming video games for it is some silly shit. The biggest issue that I can see, is bullying. Kids get bullied all the time. If they're smarter than the other kids, if they're weaker than the other kids, chances are they're being bullied in some way. It isn't always physical, like, shoving and whatnot, but also name calling and insults and the like. Once a kid is hurt, no matter if it's physically or mentally, their aggression starts to kick in. There is a such thing as a breaking point-- pretty soon, the kid will be fed up and his aggression will just explode. That's why you have to console with them, make sure they aren't bottling something up. Again-- BE a parent.

Next, think about other sources of media. Music. Now, let me tell you guys something-- I'm mixed. My ethicity, that is. I've got some black in me. But let me tell you, I fucking HATE new rap music. It's so disgusting, it barely even counts as music. But kids listen to it all the time. I HEAR it everywhere I go. It's always filled with "I'mma kill dis bitch, an I'mma fuck dat bitch," it's some other kind of fucked up. But, I mean, kids listen to it. And it's not just in rap music, there's plenty of other new music with suggestive lyrics that you let your kids listen to. Words are words, and they affect the mind accordingly.

What about movies? Another obvious one. Movies are so commonplace, and yet parents are so quick to blame the video game. All of these horror and slasher flicks, and action films, R-rated, sex, gore... granted, these movies have entry regulations as well, but here's the fucked up part-- there are some parents that take their kids to these movies ANYWAY! And even if it's not in the theater, kids can get DVDs and watch them with friends. Be a parent. If they're not supposed to be watching an R-rated film, don't let them. Images affect the mind just like words do.

My last point, and this is more personal than anything else... is that I, myself, played games like Street Fighter and Goldeneye and Killer Instinct when I was a boy. And now I'm a young adult-- I turned out just fine! I don't get into fights, and I've never even touched a gun. I'm actually very protective of my loved ones. So your stupid-ass baseless assumption doesn't even make any sense! Don't blame the video game companies.

ACT II: "Death to violent games! Bring peace to America!" Shut the hell up.

http://www.gamespot.com/news/violent-games-pulled-from-rest-stops-in-massachusetts-6402312

"The Massachusetts Department of Transportation has removed nine violent arcade-style games from rest stops on the Massachusetts Turnpike in Charlton, Ludlow, Lee, and Beverly, according to a Boston Globe report.

The move comes less than a month after the December 14 schoolhouse massacre in Newtown, Conn., which left 20 children and six adults dead. Transportation secretary Richard Davey said pulling the games just made sense in light of the events.
'Bottom line is I think there isn’t a person who doesn’t ­believe that there isn’t too much violence in our society, and games can glorify that,' Davey said. 'A video game in a public space could be used by anybody of any age. At the end of the day, those games are there to entertain kids, probably for a few minutes, while their parents are resting from a long trip.'"

The fact that video games are even, on a NATIONAL level, considered a legitimate cause for events like the Conneticut school shooting is such tripe. Now, am I saying that violence in video games can NEVER cause violence in real life? Of course I'm not. That'd be a really hasty generalization. But what I AM saying is that, with the arguments I've presented today, it's highly unlikely. Mr. Biden should not have to waste his time with something like this when there are more important matters at hand within the United States. I think one of the comments from this article says it best:

"Video games are not the problem... The fact that people can so easily access guns and other weapons is. The fact that the mentally unstable people that commit violent acts, do not receive help, is the cause.

A game, with some FAKE, FALSE, and UNREALISTIC violence? I don't see how that changes anything... These people that commit violent crimes are going to commit them regardless of whether they played a game or not.

Plus, I notice you never mention... Violent Books. Violent Movies. Violent TV shows.

People always convineiently forget those things."

On that note, I think I'm gonna end this bad boy, before I pull a muscle or something. Thanks for reading. Come back soon!

NEXT TIME: Is Pac-Man the cause for childhood obesity? STAY TUNED.

xoxoxo
Your friendly neighborhood Zero Man

Saturday, January 12, 2013

WELCOME TO DIE-- I mean, my blog

Hello, all you beautiful people out there! I bet you're wondering how you ended up here... don't worry, so do I. This is a blog. I've never run an active blog before, and you, I'm assuming, have never read one. You were crazy enough to come HERE, anyway. So, this'll be a new experience for the both of us! Hooray. Yay. Fantastic. Let me tell you a little about me.

Now, before you ask, no. I'm not a fucking alien. (Oh by the way, I swear a lot. Mmm hmm.) I'm a guy. A GUY WHO LOVES THEM VIDYAGAEMS! I've been a gamer at heart since I was but a youngling, and now I'm even making some myself. How 'bout that, huh?

Anyways, I like talking about games, game design and where I think the industry should go. As well as conventions, channels, and everything that revolves around the industry. So you're in luck! Just follow my blog, and we'll be the best of buddies, forever and ever. I will definetely try to keep this blog updated on a daily basis, so in the meantime HAVE SOME PSYLOCKE JIGGLIES