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Wednesday, January 16, 2013

"Devil May Cry?" So will the fans.


"Suckmydick, suckmydick, suckmydiiick!" Said Capcom, in a fit of lol. "Waaaah, we want OLD Dante back!" The fans suddenly exclaimed. But to no avail, as the new Devil May Cry reboot hits shelves.

*sigh* Capcom, Capcom, Capcom... have you been hitting the bottle lately? You're cancelling Mega Man, misspelling your games' titles, and now you're pissing all over the popular Devil May Cry series. What next? A Street Fighter dating sim? You want to take your trolling full circle? Because I'd cover all my bases if I were in charge.

Where to begin... now, I'm not much of a DMC fan, but I'll agree that the original game was great. Lots of bang bang, lots of heavy metal and silver-haired demon thrashing, actiony-- fun. I like fun. Don't you? But as of recently, Capcom has decided to rub its scrotum on places it shouldn't be-- the hearts of the fanbase. The new Devil May Cry, abbreviated DmC, changes pretty much everything that the series was. I'm not against change, but you know it's bad when it fucks with what made the game good in the first place. It's like, Nintendo can say, "Let's put Mario in a wheelchair. It's emotional and tearing, and people will love it," and in reality, it's utter tripe.

DmC not only gives Dante an (arguably shitty) redesign, it also changes the atmosphere and gameplay elements to the point where it's almost unrecognizable. I mean, you could call this game fucking "Hipster Trigger" and I'd believe it. What the fuck were they thinking?

They basically pulled another RE6 and redirected Devil May Cry toward a more western audience, preferably the COOL KIDS CLUB who's favorite musical genre is dubstep and wears meme hoodies and frequents Hot Topic for their shitty snapbacks and Big Bang Theory tee shirts. Again: the fuck is that shit? I know it's a business above all, but don't fall victim to the shitty trends. "Way past uncool, dudes," said the hedgehog blue.

And it's clear, too. The awesome metal tracks thrown out in favor of the WUBWUBWUB, Dante strutting around a New Yorkish city setting, as well as other western elements which further render this game both unrecognizable and... odd. They're even attempting to casualize the gameplay mechanics, which is a big turnoff for longtime fans.

The verdict: SORRY CAPCOM! YA DUN GOOFED THIS TIME! Come back when you've made something worthwhile.

Signed-- The gamer from outer space,
Zero Man

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